Ruts, am I right?

Heyyyyyyy internet, I think I'm finally gunna use this post as a blog type thing where I just vent my frustrations instead of trying to make or prove a point. Idk I haven't thought that far ahead yet honestly. I just need an outlet right now and since well I run the blog I'm gunna vent.

Ok don't know why I got defensive in my own writing to myself.

So I'm in a rut, and not just a creative rut, like I'm in a life rut and it sucks horrible terrible donkey balls. I've been left alone with my thoughts and well that's not good, I've been alot about an event in my life about 6 years back and I'll most likely talk about that darkness in an upcoming post. But let's just say it has me a bit worries.

I'm generally just not happy, like with life, myself, my creative outlets, job, where I live, etc etc, you name it I'm probably not happy with it. The one thing I am happy about is my lady, she brings me joy, but then it brings thoughts about how she is way to good for me and I suck as a boyfriend and then I'm back to being unhappy. It's a shit cycle I tell ya. But lately…… it's just getting worse and I honestly don't know why.

Maybe it's complacency, like I'm in a somewhat safe part of my life, my job pays well and supports us in the apartment, it pays the bills, sometimes we can afford food. Lately I've been in the negatives most weeks, but as the saying g goes money can't buy happiness right……. Right… ugh. I just, idk, im in the mindset lately that anytime I think I should try to do whatever I have this weight that just forces me back down and says maybe you shouldn't because what's the point if trying. It gets especially bad when I'm trying to do something creative.

I've been trying to write some stories (graphic novels) for a few years now, one of them I have written, and rewritten, and scrapped and retooled and everyone has given their input and thoughts and just yeah, normal writing things, the thing is I can't bring myself to even attempt to write anything. I just sit at my computer and my thoughts only seem to consist of “why even bother" “what's the point you suck at writing anyways” “no one's going to read it so you don't need to do it" and it just gets worse and louder and louder the longer I sit there before I feel like throwing my mouse against the wall.

Not only writing but the podcast, the whole reason this website exists in the first place, I've been trying to record, anything really. And just I can't bring myself to record. Granted the big reason the podcast existed and was what it was, was because of daimon, and well I fucked that relationship up because I suck at being a human being. So now when I sit in front of the microphone I just can't muster the courage to actually speak into the damn thing.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm at a point of clarity today so I'm venting hoping maybe something will click and just something will happen. But just, ugh sorry for this post, wasn't very constructive. But at least it'll be a nice diversion from the heavy ass topic that the next post will be