Happy late holidays and new years everyone!
What a busy time the holidays are. We often rarely get time to ourselves, and with the new year here and waiting for us, talk of resolutions and bettering ourselves become so much more common.
So id like to talk the time to talk about yearz end, and beginning with you all as it was particulary hard for me this year, as this was the first holiday season that actually had me questioning sticking around for it. I do want to talk about suicide and all the baggage that follows it, but that will be a seperate entry all together.
This entry lets talk about what the holidays should be. As most songs, and movies, and shows will tell us, its about love and being close with your family. Exchanging gifts with those we love and cherishing them and all those we hold dear. I for one am all for the gift giving and love, its why i love the holidays, what i hate though, is what the holidays do to me. I know i mentioned in earlier entries in this blog i have a rather low self esteem issue, well severely low. As the holidays ring in and my family and S.O. start asking “hey what would you like for christmas?” i usually answer with a dumb looking confused face and no actual answer.
“Why is this you may ask and how is it realvant to low self esteem?” glad you asked random person on the internet. Its because to me im not worth the money spent of gifts. I often feel like im just not deserving of the gift in general. I fought pretty hard with my lady this year to not get me a christmas gift, and i used all the excuses like we just dont have the extra cash so lets put it towards bills or whatever, and my family i just kept saying i dont need anything, but almost everytime they asked it hurt me more than i thought it would.
Like its weird to explain a feeling, let alone a feeling not many may understand, but every time they asked or kept pushing the subject my chest hurt a bit. I knew they wanted to get me something and show their love in the traditional holiday festiveness. It was just to me, there was no point cuz im just not worth the effort for all this. Dont get me wrong ill shower people in gifts, i love seeing how people react when you get them something awesome or that small thing that would make their day. And yet, here i am just dreading receiving a gift myself. Its the same when it comes around to birthdays, or anniversaries. I just want to spend time with my family and have a nice day.
So why was this year so hard on me, well aside from my amazing ability to recieve gifts, we were infact short on cash this year, couple that with no one giving answers on what they would like, the stress hit me pretty hard, frantic shopping, mixed with crowded stores, and just ramp up the anxiety and you have a fun cocktail of shit. It brought me back to shaving my head again, just knowing i have a tint bit of control helps a great deal. It got dark this year for me, alot of shit piled on shit piled on events from earlier in the year as we watch this one come to an end, and it just all came crashing down on me.
This bring me to new years, this wasnt so bad. Just your average day off of work. But its what followed, My brothers wedding, oh happy joyous wedding day. Let me just start with, i am extremly happy for him and his new wife, so this isnt about them in anyway. It started with my brother asking me to be best man, an honor for most people and it should be, but its a nightmare scenario for me. The responsability to throw a bachelpr party is definetly not something i can handle as i cant even get a group of 5 people together to play board games let alone a bachelor party for people who actually enjoy being out in public and bars and drinking….. all things that crank my anxiety levels. So already strike one on the matt is a great brother chart. Then there is the speech the best man gives infront of friends and family, i get nervous and sweaty talking to 1 family member let alone an entire room of people half of which i dont know. And there is strike two against me. So i turned my brother down on the offer and my god did that hurt, like i knew he understood my issues, but im his brother i should be able to be there for him, and i just couldnt, and it sucked. Then comes bridal shower, we had to borrow money from my parents to give them a gift because we had no money, the rehersal dinner comes and looky here guess what happens when youre a groomsmen as a wedding you get gifts, im sure most of you knew this, it was a bit of a surprise to me as my brother gives me this giant dungeon master screen made of wood and its awesome and epic, anddddddddd i feel like shit again, i didnt want to look at it because it just made me realize i dont deserve this, im a shitty brother who couldnt even pick up the responability of being best man for my brother. So that was a fun night, and then comes the wedding. The wedding itself was great, it was lovely and beautiful and all the things a wedding should be, except whenever people talked to me, it wasnt about my brother getting married no no. It was always when are you and Amanda getting married. I should explain a bit here, we have been together for 9 years, we were engaged about 4 years prior but stress and parents and miscommunication during the whole thing made us break up for about 6 months until we realized we handled things poorly and fixed some of our issues. But now its mainly we just cant afford to get married, i want to, so badly. But its just not something we can do right now, we live paycheck to paycheck as is. The biggest issue though, and here is that lovely phrase again, i dont feel like i deserve her, she is awesome and active and funny, and im just some schlub and ugh. Being at a wedding is hard enough, but when you are constantly asked about when you are getting married, at a wedding, while youre already down it really just starts to nag at ya.
And that is currently where my year is at and its been a hell of a start. So with that, im signing off internet, till next time.