The loss of control and trying to regain it.
Hello internet, and welcome to my head.
In keeping with the Theme set up this week “fear” more importantly Control and its affects on us.
Now i know whats going through your heads as you see this “ Matt i’m in complete control of my life why is this important” well let me tell ya you may not be as in control as you think. I should also add i am well aware that i live in the millennial era as i myself am a millennial and not a single one of use feels in control, which is surprisingly not as big of an issue as it should be right now.
We all live our lives in this predetermined path set up by those who walked that path before us. doing the habits and routines that have been established time and time again. We’re born, we learn all the social norms such as walking, talking, using the toilet, and you know being a functional human being. Then we move on to going to school for 12 years and this is where things start to unravel. the choices that are put on our shoulders at the young ages about what the entire next 2/3’s of our life will be and if we don’t live up to it we are failures as humans…….. more or less.
Do we go to college and get an education which will get us a fancy job that pays well and we can support a family and kids.
Do we walk the path of not going to college and working job to job trying to find out where our life will go.
Well sadly life isn’t as cut and dry as this, at the age of 18 we all have fantasies of what we would love to do with our lives and how we need to achieve those dreams. But lets be real not everyone will be or do what they want to in high school. So often do people try to achieve their dream and they go to school for another 2-8 years to achieve it. Yet on the other hand some people have a dream and no idea how to go from point A to point B and they just figure it out as they go. What these people have in common is they are controlling their fates in one way or another. whether loosely or strictly they have a goal and some plan on how to get there.
What we are talking about today though is the loss of that control. Things that are out of hands in a way that it takes the plans we have set in motion and just wreaks havoc. take for example that example of the person who goes to school for another 8 years leaves to find out they amassed a massive debt to find out that the job market cant support the over saturation of people all striving for that same dream. now they have to work in a job they hate in a field they didn’t train in to pay off the debt that came from trying to reach their dream. Sometimes things happen in our life that just cause a shift in that hold on control that are very noticeable. But sometimes things happen that are more subconscious that start to effect our lives in small ways and we don’t notice till its to late and then the feeling of that loss of control seems bigger than if we saw it coming.
These little subconscious things or these tics we start to pick up become habit and begin to have a much bigger impact on how we live our day to day.
Lets me talk about the last few months of my year so far. As i brought up in my first post i hit a downward spiral so hard that before i knew it i hit my own proverbial rock bottom. Recent events have started to shine a bit of a light on some habits i have picked up that i can defensively explain away, but in my head i have a very strong feeling that defends these actions is doing more harm than good.
One morning i noticed that i had dropped 20 lbs in what was about a months time. now in most case this is a cause for excitement my fat ass dropped 20 lbs that’s awesome right. why it isn’t exciting is mainly the fact of i wasn’t doing anything specific to do it. i wasn’t dieting or planning to drop this weight. it was just gone. and i started to think and look back and i realized that i kind of stopped eating, not completely i should add, but breakfast and lunches weren’t happening and on nights my S.O was working late i wasn’t eating dinner but i would make her dinner after work and just i ate.
I was actually lying about eating, why this is so strange is well for one, i’m a massive person, but more importantly food in a major part of my life i went to school to become a pastry chef but not only that food was my security blanket (read the above statement of i’m a massive person). it actually scared me to think that something that i relied on so much that i was actually avoiding subconsciously. i was hiding what i was doing behind the fact of things like oh i’m short on cash this week i cant really afford it, or i was busy at work and i didn’t quite get the time to eat, or even the i just wasn’t hungry. i think what scared me most wasn’t just how easily it happened but how i didn’t notice it happening. and to update this with a more recent weigh in i’ve lost another 10 lbs in a 2 week time. I still find myself defending my actions though with excuses like i’m a big guy i can go a day without eating and my body will be fine, And i fucking hate it. writing this down makes me realize just how much i defend myself for doing things that are in fact hurting myself. I always in my head think that i’m going to stop this, i’m going to make a change and dammit i’m going to take back control…… and a day or too later there i am making excuses again.
This brings me to the next kind of drastic change that occurred….. i completely shaved my head. This was a very conscious choice on my part to try to just do something different to show i’m in control of me and not my thoughts. Of course this came with its own set of excuses for those who have asked why the drastic haircut. i explain it away with “my hair is receding anyways i wanted to see the extent” or “my hair just hasn’t been growing at the rate it used to i’m doing it to figure out just how fast its growing” or even blaming it on the fact i’m getting grey hairs. i mean lets be real the main answer to all those excuses is just i’m a walking ball of stress and its affecting my physically now instead of just mentally. But if i could find a way to take back just a little bit of control of what my body is doing then fucking hell i’m doing it.
As for the eating disorder my mind is trying to make me start which has to logically be my brain punishing me for something i did. i’m trying to force myself to eat to combat whats happening……. and hey lo and behold guess what happened i was making myself sick. i went overboard and that scared me and i found myself back at not eating which i think explains the recent 10 lb loss.
i’m only using these examples right now because my others are going to be explained in future posts dealing with other issues i have. Sooner or later were going to start hitting the depths of what is really happening in my head and i need to be strong and air all this shit out, and this is the first steps of me acknowledging whats happening and that i need to really watch and figure out a way to gain back control of my own life. i hope we can all do this together.
Ok internet i need to sign off now. good night.