Lets talk about Fear
Hello Internet and those of you who inhabit it. with the start of this new week comes a new theme of something to talk and think about. That theme is Fear, its properly vague enough that we can revisit it later. so each post this week is going to talk about something that either scares me or affects me in ways its hard to deal with. So this post lets talk about Change.
I’ve spent most of this weekend dealing with a decent sized change that is affecting my life, while to most it wouldn’t seem like a major upheaval or even something worth stressing over. I’m currently sitting in an empty Apartment because my S.O is in Berlin to run the marathon, while i am extremely impressed and supportive of what she is doing, it kills me that she is absent physically from me for a good 2 weeks of time.
Why am i talking about this, well its because i cant except or handle changes in my safety and security blanket. I am an habitual creature through and through and if even a little part of that habit is changed its almost like i’m being threatened. I knew as the months grew closer that this trip was coming up and while i physically prepared for it, i never realized how mentally i wasn’t ready for it. the night i dropped her off at the airport i drove home and felt sad yes i mean she was leaving but i was excited for her, i mean its a cool trip and an exciting adventure. As soon as i got home the realization hit me that for the next fortnight i will be sleeping, eating, relaxing, and just kind of existing alone and it scared the ever-loving shit out of me.
I find myself actually afraid to come home because i know that i wont be seeing her, like the absence is actually heavy. i know that those of you reading are probably thinking “why is this effecting him so much its only 2 weeks” and honestly i wouldn’t blame you. but in the nine years we’ve been together at most we’ve only been apart from each other for like 3 days at most, hell even when we broke off the engagement we still stayed in touch and hung out. We became so ingrained in each others lives its hard to not see her here, to feel her next to me in bed as we sleep. I was out till about 2 in the morning yesterday because i couldn’t face going home, and because of that i kind of imposed on some friends and kept them up a bit past there normal limits with my talking, i’m sure they would tell me its no big deal and i’m always welcome but i still felt like i was taking advantage. I even went to a 7-11 to pick up an energy drink to try and keep myself up longer because i didn’t want to sleep, you never realize how big a bed can be when you start to use it alone.
I bring a lot of this up because i’m sure like most people Change is scary. moving to a new house or apartment, a new job, new friends, a new relationship or lack of one. Change is and should be a part of everyone’s life and should be able to be looked at as a trial and a challenge but also very rewarding. I cant look at change that way though, i often find myself feeling panicked when a book that was supposed to be on the shelf suddenly isn’t. Those little things that I’ve become accustomed to i find being the most important some days in the oddest of ways. Talk of changing up the furniture in a room is like moving a whole new place, things wouldn’t be in their normal spots, how would i ever find a way to grow used to the fact that i used to sit in the chair in the corner when its on the other side of the room. the table belongs in the middle of the room, it just makes sense, i mean its where we eat and place our drinks, its hard to comprehend why its on the wall now.
It sounds silly and just odd, i realize that, but that doesn’t make it not scary for me. I’ve been trying my best for most of my life to deal with change and all the issues to follow it, But if you’re here reading this and you somehow feel the same way too then we can work on this issue together. Although if you’re reading this and you think i’m pathetic for something so small messing up my life this much well let me tell you, i feel the same way about it, but its why i need to make this right. i need to change for the better and dammit just writing that makes my anxiety well up.
so with that i leave you all with this, i know what i need to work on and i have no idea on where to start so feel free to chime in if you have ideas on how to help or ways that you have dealt with this.
Good night internet, hopefully i can force myself to sleep.