It's time we had "The Talk"
No no, not that talk, most of you are adults and know that specific talk, the those of you who arent adults……….. well thats what the internet is for.
No im talking about the topic of self harm. Yes the very same self harm that plauges each and everyone one of us whether we know it or not. Self harm isnt just something that the one girl in your grade for attention, or something only shown physically.
See self harm takes many many forms some of which leave not only physical but also mental scars. this has been a topic ive been dreading talking about because it it forces me to bring up things that well i normally keep caged deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep down inside.
Lets start with the physical nature of Self harm (cutting, punching, burning, etc. etc.) this form of self harm tends to happen when people dont feel noticed or acknowledged, or they do it to release some pent up rage and aggression, some even do it to hide said rage or aggression. Others though they do it punish themselves for doing something wrong, or to hide pain that is constantly around them, or give them a physical representation to the pain they feel inside. Alot of these examples arent one off’s, they can happen all at the same time or the reasons for hwy people do it change day to day, But the main similarity is that for whatever reason that a person chooses it still happens and it still leaves a reminder of all that we suffer.
Why do i bring up Physical harm first you may wonder to yourself, it’s because this is the route i chose not to take, at least not in the literal sense. See my body is covered in scars and marks and bruises, pain that i once endured do to an injury or an accident. i make sure i keep the scars and marks as a reminder that i deserve what happened to me. Every new cut, scratch, gash, bump, fall, i try my best to make sure it scars so i can see what did. Even sickness is just a punishment for who shitty of a person i can be, so i avoid going to the doctors because i deserve a bit of suffering. Is this a healthy way of thinking, god no, but is it what goes through my head every time you betcha.
But lets talk about the most common form of Self harm and that is of the mental kind. And for those reading this and going i dont do that, let me bring something to light.
Self degradation, self hate, self doubt, these are things almost everyone does.
You look in the mirror and see your reflection what do you do
Do you look at yourself and sigh because you dont like what you see, do you instantly look away, do you say to yourself “god youre ugly, why would anyone look at you and think youre pretty” if you said yes i do do some of those things. then congratulations you self harm.
Another example, youre up for a promotion at work, you have worked your ass off to get and yet a different coworker gets it. what do you do
Do you just accept it as fate and continue to work your job thinking maybe you arent as good as your job as you thought, or do you get those thoughts in your head that say “you were never going to get that promotion", youre as worthless at work as you are in life” or do you even just let your anger take you and you punch a wall/ pound on your desk/ take out your anger on someone close to you. if you said yes to any of these you Self harm.
These are vague examples i understand, but its all because there is no concrete form to this, its everywhere and consumes alot of us.
For some it may be worse than others, and honestly some self doubt isn’t completely damaging, And everyone needs a good push of confidence every now and again. but if it didn’t hurt people i wouldn’t be here talking about it right now would i. This is the type of Harm that i struggle with the most, Alot of my issues stem for me hating who i am. i dont need a mirror to be disgusted with myself, i dont need loud room to drown out my thoughts because my negative thoughts are louder, but this is why this blog exists is it not, for me and others to air our issues. so thats what ill do, ill make a list of my most common thoughts.
I often sit home alone not wanting to text people first because i dont want to bother or burden them, but i feel that if i dont text first they wont talk to me. and why would they, im not fun, im not interesting or intriguing, im just some pitiful excuse of a human.
i see my reflection in a mirror and just groan in disgust as i see my weight on full display, knowing that my S.O. has to look at me everyday.
i cant go out alone because in my head people look at me and judge, look at the weirdo with no friends, look at this fatso going to a restaurant alone.
i have a hard time keeping friends because i know that i don’t deserve good friends, i’m an asshole, i’ve done shitty things, who would even want to be friends with me.
this list can go on and on, and honestly i’m stopping myself because this is hard enough to write as it is. this is a safe haven and with that i open the floor to others who want to speak their mind. as for me i’m logging out for the night and probably the until i can bring myself to write on here some more.
So in case i don’t see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night.
Till next time.