Feeling alone in a crowded room.
So I've been a bit absent from this blog for a bit mainly because alot is going on, on my end of the computer screen. My S.O has come back from Europe (I'm beyond elated to have her back here) we have adopted a new puppy named sophie. So life has been a bit hectic.
But that is no excuse to ignore my own issues. This post i would like to chat about feeling alone, isolated, not seen or heard, and any other synonyms that can be used. I wanted to write about this a bit ago but couldnt bring myself to, then just never had a chance to get writing. But while my lady was gone and I alone in our apt it felt worse than the normal I'm home she’ll be home soon feeling. I found my self trying to find ways to not be there because the atmosphere just felt off. So on weekends mainly Friday I would hang with some friends and while it was enjoyable playing board games with everyone, it just felt a little but empty. The feeling of not fitting in or getting alone with them, or not having my lady with me, who is kind of the way I'm brought out of my head and into the moment. I spent the whole night trying to just be liked or be heard that I sometimes feel like I'm trying to hard. This coupled with the fact I'm not great in group gatherings doesnt much help the situation, I'm decent when it comes to like 4 people hanging out and having a conversation but you start adding to it and I shut down not being able to figure out who or how to talk to people, i focus my attention on like one or 2 people all night and that makes me feel like I'm bothering them so i shut down more and just be silent in the corner, so as you can tell I'm a riot at parties.
The pressure of being social and having friends and a life is something that is drilled into us at such a young age that when you grow up not making the connections other people do you start to think something is wrong with you, in high school I had atleast 2 true friends as in people I hung out that I enjoyed to. Everyone were classmates or people I talked to in school but as soon as I graduated I felt, well nothing really, about my connections made at school, no feeling of these are people i need to keep in touch with or people I'd like to see continuing with my life. The 2 friends I did have well life got in the way and we just grew apart and I dont think I've talked to them in over 5 or 6 years. College was the same, only I came out of college with my lady so that's a connection that stayed pretty strong. Alot of this comes from this feeling of I'm not good enough or I'm not fun, or I'm the weird kid who people only like cuz he makes good food. So for me trying to connect with people was just hard, my head kept saying you're not good enough to have friends, and well not being super social physically was preventing that as well.
It's gotten so bad that I have a hard time even doing things alone. This feeling that people will judge me if I see a movie by myself or go to a restaurant by myself, the thoughts that they think “who is this loser coming by himself" or “what a weirdo, doesnt even have friends" I'm pretty positive that no one is thinking that but in the moment it's the only thing going through my head, even grocery shopping alone I get anxious that people are looking and judging.
So whether I'm alone or with people this feeling that I'm not good enough, or I shouldn't be here, or these people are to good for me. It makes me want to go home and just hide from the world. There have also been those fun thoughts of would anyone notice if I left (this is a topic that will be discussed in a different post) but I started this blog as a way to vent my issues but also allow others a place to talk as well a place where everyone can feel like they belong even if it is over a computer screen, something to help make you feel like people do care, they want to see you happy, theyd love to be your friend. And for the time being it's just me in a metaphorical empty room talking to myself but that is it's own kind of catharsis in it's own weird way.
Anyways I'll leave it at that and to anyone and everyone who does read this know that you're all welcome here and if you ever want to talk or share (privately, anonymously, openly, or just want someone to listen) I'm here and you can comment or email at Dawnofnonsense@gmail.com
Good night folks