so i know this blog has been gathering cobwebs and well that is a bit of our fault, not because we don't want to blog, its actually the opposite. we have so much to talk about but it usually doesn't make it anywhere aside in normal conversation.
That being said, I (matt) would like to take time out of what is normally a very very busy day to talk about depression. specifically my own depression.
i have suffered from depression easily since middle school. and a lot of if was caused by bullying and other such acts. Now i will be the first to admit that i to partook in some bullying in my school days and i feel a lot of it was caused by my own insecurities. the more i look back on it and the more i think about it, it pains me and i wish i could take a lot of those actions back. Being a person who was and still is overweight bullying was a constant thing and i did fight back every now and then but when you get beat down its hard to even try. So i sat in silence and let it fester, and fester, and fester, and i am not 26 almost 27 and i cant even function correctly.
My insecurities have grown and mutated to the point i cant even look at myself in the mirror without disgust. i hate me, the way i look, the things i do, and over all just being and its hard to admit but i have had a few run in's with some bad thoughts that well get to everyone once in awhile. i was lucky/ fortunate enough to at least always have someone to keep me away from that dark corner of my mind, but it always creeps back trying to take hold again.
as i said i am not almost 27 and i still cant even talk about problems i have, i mean i was raised to be strong and manly and really supportive to everyone around me. I try my best to be my girlfriends rock and my parents as well. i never really learned how to take care of me, so now my social anxiety prevents me from going to crowded or just in general busy without being dizzy and light headed. my view point of people is so askew that i just expect everyone to be terrible people that i only ever expect the worst from people so making friends is a hassle. and my depression creeps up and causes such serious mood swings that i can go from normal one day to sitting in a corner and ignoring the world. my motivation has dwindled so much even writing this is a struggle. i want to talk about this so much but how do you explain that the world is practically grey some days and nothing really peps ya up, or that just the basic getting out of bed feels like 200 lbs of lead laying on top of me and i just want to disappear from the normal day to day.
today specifically was a hurdle. some events have happened at work that have been piled on from other events and so on, and it was like a dam over flowing and i spent easily 3 or so hours just crying in a ball on my bed. my girlfriend did her best to console and in all honesty i'm not sure if it helped or made it worse. thoughts of me letting her down flooded my brain and disappointing her came for front. i work for my parents so then the thought of letting them down came flooding in and i just exploded. needed to reevaluate my life and what i'm doing with it. life has been kicking my ass lately and i'm just sick of it.
while i don't see myself as some big name, nor am i well known enough for this to even make a person or two read this. as long as someone reads and can relate and know they aren't alone, someone is always willing to help.
talk, vocalize, reach out if you see someone struggling, any kind of interaction can help, it can be as simple as a hug, saying hi, or just offering a hand. so many people are in need and so many people just do care. don't be one of those people. a simple whats wrong can help so many people.
i just wanted to get that off my chest. throwing it out there for the world to see and hopefully it reaches someone.
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if you don't want to talk click the link above and if you know someone who needs help share the link.
and if you ever want to talk to Me(Matt) or even Daimon were always avilable from the email Dawnofnonsense@gmail.com if you want to be private
Dawnofnonsense on twitter or even dungeonnonsense on twitter.